Some days I wake up into a deep depression and no matter what I do, I feel trapped and bothered and irritated with the world. It's on days like these that I just want to jump into a pool and swim and swim and swim till the exhaustion rips my soul from my body and makes me one with the water. I should have been born a mermaid. Not being near water of any sort is just frazzling my nerves, I long for it to rain so so bad.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I took an afternoon nap all excited at the prospect of the evening but woke up frantic and cagey. And it's stretched on to today. I just wish there was someone to hear me out. Failing water, sourness always gets me out of one of these moods. But I have none. I want to bite into a lemon, feel the juice spurt onto my mouth and burst my skin wide open. The sister gave me one of her St John's Wort herb pills to try and perk me up. Apparently it's supposed to give me some sort of natural high. Not. Working.

I'm dreading the bbq this evening. I never could stand up to crowds in a mood like this. I feel so lost and helpless. I just want to soar free.

Packing up my life into tiny boxes is helping somewhat though. It's liberating knowing that my life can be shelved into 3 boxes. It helps me remember that nothing is permanent and I have a choice to discard memories I don't want coming back.

Plus the thought that people from my past will soon see rubble instead of my flat and be completely baffled is extremely assuring and satisfying.