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My heart just took the elevator and I'm waiting for the stairs.
-- Aaron James' Emily
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I've always waited for the day familiarity would breed contempt. The comfort of knowing that there's a wedge between me and him and them and the rest of the world. One day I woke up and realized, 'Hey! I'm beyond all that. I don't need contempt; I just need to feel beyond compassion and empathy.' A couple of days ago, as I looked out of the car window...I realized that I was mistaken. I never went beyond contempt. The unspoken trigger is still there. And the one invisible thing that could ignite a catastrophe bigger that the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, still lingers in the background.
I'm lost really. All my life, I've gone with the flow of things. Taking up opportunities as they came, let the rain come down, and let the sun come up. But at what point does being easy-going become complacency? When is it time to fight against the currents in the ocean before I become entangled in seaweed and get dragged down to my watery grave?
There's so many things that need to be said, so many things that need to be down in black and white. But I've run out of vague necessities. In so many ways, I'm still the little girl who needed stitches on her chin because she didn't and couldn't tell her sister to stop. I never knew when to say stop or no. I still don't know how to do it firmly. I wonder if I ever will. I hope to God I do.
In as many ways, I still want to make people happy. But trying to cheer people up and being there for everybody is sucking me dryer than a shoe cupboard with 10 Hungry Hippos in it. There's so little more that I can take. I know I should give and give and not care whether anyone gives back. But I'm so so so sick of being taken for granted.
If I ask you whether you're interested in a concert, and you're not, just say no. And if you do say yes...then damn well stick to it. Don't tell me 4 hours before the concert that you can't make it because then it'll be too late to call someone else along. Not only would you piss me off, you deprive someone more deserving of a chance to go which pisses me off further. And if you do it once, apologise and not do it again...fine. But no, some people choose to do it repeatedly.
Which reminds me...does anyone want to go to Lisa Ono this Sunday? I have a spare $38 ticket coz someone just backed out on me after I placed the order
When I was younger, I used to sit on my bed and pray for understanding. With tears following salty trails into my mouth, I'd scribble viciously and in the angriest strokes about how someone should just 'depart' into my diary. I wish all of you would stop thinking I'm nice. Really. Just stop it. The thoughts that run through my mind are bad. They're horrible and for you to keep thinking I'm sweet and innocent, just makes me one of the hypocritical idiots I don't quite like. I imagine elves shooting arrows into people, I watch their blood drip to the floor and I relish seeing them on the ground with their acquaintances jumping in the air with glee. Sometimes I imagine what it'd be like to jump in front of a bus, or to push a kid down. I've thought out my whole deathbed scene where I'm down with cancer; I've rehearsed my speech since I was 16 and I've updated it as the years go by to suit whoever I'm with at that point in time.
Over the years without realising it, I've been granted the gift of understanding. I should have prayed for understanding in others too. Hands up, if you're guilty of snapping at me whenever I present you the other side of the story. I'm sick of being told I'm defending the other party when really I'm just trying to help you.
Love made me blind and love changed my mind and everything I knew.
About two or three weeks ago (give or take), a friend called me about 9pm, just as I was leaving work. Those hours I spent on her stairway with her head on my shoulders as she told me her troubles reminded me of something. I'm just glad I could be there for her the way no one was for me. Thanks babe for lifting some of my burden. You helped me get in touch with something I kept locked away for the longest time. Don't put yourself down so much, you're the only one who managed to reach me on that level.
On a side note, I watched when Harry met Sally yesterday. Sally said to Harry, I miss the idea of him.
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