It's amazing sometimes how one little misunderstanding can open up a whole can of worms...well, maybe I wouldn't use the word 'amazing' but something more like: 'heart-wrenching', 'gut-ripping', 'world-tearing'. It's officially over now. No more friends, no more late-night songs, no more chance. It started with an im letting him know i wouldn't disturb his studying since he obviously didn't want to talk - to a complete blow-by-blow account of my heart ripping at the seams. Apparently, the truth that was out...wasn't all out and now it is, and it has culminated to me dripping snort on my dog's fur as he lies on my lap trying to ignore its heaving as my sobs turn to wails and my cough gets worse. I'm gasping for air now and I don't even know what's causing it, this arse-luck cough or the fact that I finally see how utterly unlovable I must be for him to be lying to me all these months.

The thing that struck me was when he said there were times he wished it'd end. I looked at the message and thought, Gee...so did I but I tried to make it work.

I guess the bottomline I need to get in my head is really...that I'm not worth the effort to try to make this work, because he never tried. And thus, I know I'm unlovable, and un-everything.

This is not self-pity...this is another skeptic being born. I have lost all reason to continue believing: family, friends and now him. I don't why I was born capable and smart, it doesn't mean anything when there's no one to share everything with.