Sunk

Drifting, drifting, wasting away.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown and once again...nobody's around. The great friend is musing on her own problems and hasn't yet realised that I'm struggling on my end to pay for the 2hr one-sided long-distance calls that haven't at all eased my internal aches. The rest have been kept out for fear of complicating my situation and burdening them with unneeded anguish. The family's blowing up at each other and picking, picking, picking.

I'm just glad he stepped up today to give me a break from the negativity and let me have some peace and quiet. You will never know how close you came to saving me and my sanity.

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The last few days have been tough. I guess everything's catching up and I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew. On one hand, I'm excited and thrilled. On the other, I'm scared shitless and my self-esteem is giving me a double-blow.

I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough.

I feel like this facade and illusion I've created of how capable I really am is going to unravel. I almost burst out in tears again at art class. I can't do this...not when I can see I'm one of the worst in class.

It doesn't help that I've been feeling suicidal. If I can escape before I can be put to the test, then I can't possibly fail right? Nope, not right. Yesterday, I thought of abandoning work and just rotting at home. Then I thought of flinging myself onto a car as I walked home.

I'm losing it.

Thank you. Thank you. For picking up my call, for letting me come over, for letting me stay over, for saving my life. I really felt so low today and it scared the living shit out of me.


I have friends. I have to remember that. They haven't abandoned me, I've just been pushing them away. Remember Char, remember.