You know how after a break up, you want to keep yourself as busy as possible so you don't think about anything? It's not working. Damn you. Why did you have to crawl so deep into my skin? Haha...and to top it all off, i just found out that the guy i decided to use as a brain-filler is attached so...damn!

I'm probably the only pathetic soul around who fills up my mind with make-believe crushes of people just to get my mind of him. And it's even sadder that i'm reduced to such a state. Everyone tells me i'm strong emotionally, but if that's true then why don't i feel it?

I don't mean now, i mean, ever.

For someone everyone claims to be independent and strong, why do i feel like such a farce? The ex bought into the whole strong thing, but he also wanted someone who would lean on him...guess i leaned too much.

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And yet...as i write this...i know that i don't mourn losing him. I miss the memories. I miss the security and the happiness i felt. Things wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyway. And i know all this. So why do i feel the way i do?

Is it a cultural thing? A 'i can't lose' mentality? Or is it just a bemoanment (if there's such a word) of the fact that I may not find someone I could be as close too? That's not right...well, maybe on some subconcious level. I think my depression stems from the fact that i know that i'll always wonder if the break up was a right move. I know 'what-if's' are sad, but it opens up so many avenues of my imagination, that scripts just come alive for me.

So maybe all this is just a blessing after all.