Drowning in Randomness

The sweet sounds of Jewel drowned me as her plaintive lyrics reached out to grab me like a bittersweet lifeline dragging me back to reality. I'm suddenly reminded of the panic I felt reaching out for something, anything, that would help me stay up in the water. I could hear my cousins splashing near me, oblivious to the disturbance in their tranquil waters...A distorted face, two arms reaching towards me and a sharp intake of breath before a force hoists me out of the water. It's hard to believe it happened twice, at the exact same place and that the same uncle saved me both times. What's even more ironic, is that I still love the water.

Deep Water
"You find yourself falling down
Your hopes in the sky
But your heart like a gum on the ground
And you try to find yourself
In the abstractions of religion
And the cruelty of everyone else
And you wake up to realize
Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive
When you're standing in deep water
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw
And when you're drowning in deep water
And you wake up making love to a wall
Well it's these little times that help to remind
It's nothing without love
.
.
.
'Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made"

Innocence Maintained
"Ophelia drowned in the water
Crushed by her own weight
Hitler loved little blue eyed boys
And it drove him to hate
Birds always grow silent before the night descends
'Cause nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend
A hero's torso built of steel and Novocain
His heart a bitter beat inside a bloodless frame
There was a hole inside his soul a manicure couldn't fill
So he funded himself a whore to love while daisies choked in the window sill
We've made houses for hatred
It's time we made a place
Where people's souls may be seen and made safe
Be careful with each other
These fragile flames
For innocence can't be lost
It just needs to be maintained
A small town in Ohio
Two boys are filled with violence
And darkness spreads its legs for hate and ignorance
We are given to a god to put our faith therein
But to be forgiven, we must first believe in sin"

Kiss The Flame
"I want a brave love, one that makes me weak in the knees
I want a crazy, crazy love
One that makes me come undone at the seams
'Cause I'm tired of all these pilgrims, these puritans, these thieves
Of all these unbelievers who whittle love down at the knees
Let these swift roads destroy themselves
Let the world fall into its sleep
For we shall be spared
We shall be left standing
To face what's left of concrete and honey
.
.
.
Wherefore art thou Romeo
Where have all the brave men gone
Show me a man who knows his own heart
To him I shall belong"

Well, maybe just disregard the last two lines. That's like false advertising. Ethics people, ethics...tsk tsk...The only thing I miss in a relationship is being able to pee on someone and get away with it, drenching a t-shirt in salty tears and oodles of snort and having someone to snuggle up too when the aircon gets too cold. I sound like a disgusting girlfriend, don't I? Good. Now leave me alone..Bah!

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"I had tried to define 'home' as distinct from 'house', noting in my book of lists that a house can be sold, yet a home could not be bought. 'House' had more negative connotations. Homework got you further up the ladder of evolution, housework didn't. You could be houseproud yet homesick. You could housesit and still be homeless. You could be claustrophobic when housebound if you weren't a homebody yet still feel elated to be homeward bound."
- Claire Fleetwood, pg.140. Fish, Blood & Bone by Leslie Forbes

How tangible is home anyway? For me, a home will always change. It's beyond the reach of objectivity and common sense. It just is. It stretches from people to situations to physical places.

A fine example is how at home I am with selected people including a certain loud-mouthed chilay, that is until she gets into a self-depreciating mood which makes me tread around her like she's surrounded in broken glass.

Even today, I left the house 3 hours late because I didn't want to get caught in the rain - something the people who know me as the crazy dancing raingirl would find extremely out of sorts with who I am. I think I lost myself somewhere between collecting my 'o' level cert and peeing on the ex.

Which reminds me...How do expressions get stuck in your head anyhow? The phrase "not done" is spurting out of my mouth like an obscene naked sculpture in the likeness of the Roman goddess, Venus, flowing water from certain unmentionables. That's, like, just not done.

How did you feel on the first day of your o's? I'm having a hard time reconciling my adorable 4 year old brother with this obnoxious teen stressing out over his o's tomorrow. And I think the Kahlua I'm consuming is a little past its prime.